4th week on testosterone

Alright, one solid month! 

(EDIT: I wanted to add this interview with a transman who transitioned about 20 years ago. He can tell you a lot more about the long-term results than me. 
www.thisamericanlife.org/radio… )

It's come to my attention that the Cracked article paints a horribly hopeless portrait of transitioning. I had intended to teach people that the process is currently unnecessarily difficult and should be easier, but instead it comes across like I'm trying to scare questioning transmen away from ever starting.

That was the opposite of what I wanted to do and I apologize to anyone who I've scared away from transitioning. I've since contacted the editor and asked for a revision. 

Anyway, on with the updates!

1. The skin on my face feels rougher. This came out of nowhere and it's kinda bothering me. I know it's weird but I'm kinda vain about that. 


2. I CAN CLENCH MY ABS FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER HOLY SHIT!


3. It seems like the acne thing didn't hit me as hard as many people who start T, which is EXTREMELY awesome. I suffered with acne a great deal as a teenager to the point where I'm surprised I don't have scars from it, so I was worried it would come back in the same severity. There was a very small uprising on my shoulders and forearms of all bizarre places, which has since healed. 


4. I'm hyperactive as fuck now. I can't sit down for 30 seconds and spend most of my time standing up at my desk at work. The good thing is that there isn't any anxiety attached to it - just a lot of energy. 


5. I won't go into much detail with the sex-related stuff in the journals, obviously, despite there not being very much to discuss. All I can really say is that sexual feelings and reactions are easier and feel more natural. For example: Let's say I see a beautiful guy on the metro. 

Before T: "Wow he's beautiful. I'll bet he would never want to be with a dirty little tranny like me. I hate myself so much I can't look at him without wanting to pull my hair out." (spend the next ten minutes simmering in self-hatred)

After T: "That there is some choice booty."


6. My voice continues to change, though it's not cracking so much at the moment. Instead, it tightens up if I don't talk for a long time, which results in a delicate feminine whisper. I found out that I can actually stretch my larynx now, resulting in a clearer, deeper tone. Weird, huh? 


7. It's important for transguys to see a gynecologist since hormone therapy can sometimes irritate itty bitty benign polyps and ovarian cysts into something dangerous. So, in the time between starting T and getting your hysterectomy, you need a doctor to keep an eye on your internal junk. This is going to seem odd, but going to the gynecologist has COMPLETELY changed for me psychologically. 

Before T - Goodness, THIS is mildly embarrassing! I'd better play Pokemon to keep my mind off things. 

After T - My body thinks I'm being raped. Like, seriously. I am having a full-blown panic attack right now for absolutely no reason. Doctor lady, I am so so very sorry for my behavior I swear I am not controlling this. 


8. I know I've already brought this up in every single update but I absolutely cannot stress how much better my depression and anxiety are. I mean, it's still a struggle sometimes, but it is NO WHERE NEAR as painful as it used to be.

Before T, I would lie on the floor and cry for hours at a time, wallowing in despair over my own pitiful meaningless existence and throwing ALL the theatrics, with the depression lasting pretty much nonstop with only peaks of it not being as noticeable as usual. In other words, thinly-veiled narcissism with fireworks. 

After T, I have a grumpy face for a few minutes before remembering that I've already earned a wonderful partner, job, and home, and should stop being a baby. 


Yay for change!